glase

well....53 weeks, i have remained silent on blogs and other internet forums. i am not sure why my mouth has been closed for so long. one could say i dissappeared for a while. in a sense it was theraputic in a way. for once in my life i am truly happy, for no other reason than too be happy. i lost my fasination with a death wish that i once held so close. so what have i been up too?

in no certain order
-was promoted several times of the year
-making decent money
-great apartment, with an amazing view of the atlanta skyline
-good roomate and new friend (brotherhood)
-spiraled down into a dark place after a break up
-got over that in a year
-possitive outlook on life in general
-lost the death wish
-joined a branch of the masons
-singing in too different bands (check them out on myspace, shut up haters, chloralOne and male)
-stopped drinking, i still do but just once a week if that
-discovered many new things about myself, some i like, some not so much
-did cocaine for a long while, stopped (maddness i tell you)
-fixed a bad relationship with my parents
-got a cell phone!
-have a new cat, all black named crowley, think about it
-advance in alchemical studies
-GOT THAT DAMN FEINDFLUG COMBAT PACK!!!!!
-had dinner with football player steve, did not have sex with him
-he went pro (rich$$$$) wanted to date me, i said no, and felt like a dumb ass
-celebit for more than 9 months
-saw steve again, he broke the chastity, asked me again to move out to LA with him and be a ball player boyfriend
-said no again, felt like an even bigger dumb ass
-gained more self-respect
-finally grew a hitler stache, still have it
-finally started work on tattoo's, they are pretty cool!!

and most of all

-...discovered that their is more to life than what i thought it had to offer...

this is the sappiest thing i have ever put down into words. it also is the first time in this journal that i have not posted a story. i semlt the winds of change, and now i understand

hope all is well



until the end
glaseout

the slip of her dress turns to fright, the nice betrayal of the crush that would never go away, i need to hold you close, danse danse, this feels so nice, as i need to pull your hair, i pull your ear, with my teeth at your neck, did i touch the right spot? did my finger run to the place you feared i would go, well i took it there, and i want you now, like they do in those pornographic movies, i remeber the words, my hand on your head, your lips, in a fashion that means i will tear you apart, lay back this will only hurt for a minute, the ky re:amindt, i take this now, a virgin that was laying in bed, she got up and walked out, the vaginal taste playing this tune on my lips, i feel a fluid, i need to come out, the hair was pulled, my shaved face so smooth against pale skin, milk was the colour, let us kiss this until you walk away, i did not need to stay and you stayed anyway, you became this constant and i wanted this to be the crack, the fall apart, the tension so tight, this bed show that become live, and she walked up to me with her hand on my place, i told her my peice as i let her do these things to me, and her hair so long, i held her close for the moment that i came, then i felt i needed her no more, with whispered words when i came, i want to rip you apart, nothing is nothing when hope lay on the floor of survival, she presses her heel against the wall when my lips touch her lips and no no those, she feels this now and she is turnning on and i am feeling this to be alive again, my sweat is molding cold, that dress was black and too long, i needed her now

with nectur as blood we lost our sight in this fetal dress, look at life, look at love, clouds gather around this diamond faced accolade, calling out dreams of death, calling out 'i cannot give this up' the blood was shed, and nothing passes in this winter year

and he says '...to die now would meet perfection, the taste so sweet, i swallowed where i never did before, and this aftermath leaves me in silence, so in this disconnect me, put me to sleep in cryo-tank isolation...'

and this wedding brings only burning in his chest, he saw them kiss, the first colour the first taste an awkward void stealing sounds, he could not speak even if he chose to, to die now would be hate, open the wound the salt can fit inside the places that were cut

and she says ' start today, to live and die in our own way...' beauty make a martyr, beauty stole the fire

with pillow talk that made him feel alive, he recoils at the sounds of the voice speaking it back in another city in another town, the watchers with diamond skin gaurd the harbour for another machine enters the snow garden, the dawn was golden when he left his voice on the answering phone

she said 'i have loved, and i have never been afraid of this action, i just wish someone out there would not be afraid either and whisper the words i need to hear...'

tuck you in, suck you in, fuck you in

she says 'i come here often' as she points to a stain on the bed, it smells of chlorine and piss and then she states ' but i want to come here' with a french tipped finger she touches my lips

my nose starts to bleed, she says she likes my taste, she says my arms are strong, i say 'sometimes they bend back'

in the bed, i hold her close, i hold her solid, i keep her warm but we never kiss, is this good? is this bad? is this love? no not love, she teaches me all these new sexual tricks, i keep my climax under control as i fuck her in the ass,...just for a laugh, a damaged love, a hope that never becomes reality, my head between her knees, her thighs trembile, her voices cracks, a sweat starts to form on my upper lip

i cannot catch my breath, she asks 'what is this...' i tell her to mind your own buissness, hold the love at the door, there is no room for it now, the harbour is clean when the fluids flow, exchanging evil for evil

this is trying to hard, this is loving without love, a bullet-proof fuck, a simple smile and bodies the shape of ciggerettes, in red sheets, the sounds are thrown back off the wall as she becomes a woman in the place where she wanted on my face

is this love? no not love, i am just keeping her warm, and we never kiss

needle pressed and ready, she holds her breath and on this day he dies, the machines call, he took the hand of the twins, saying 'i have lost my way, my exo-skelatal semen retreats for another day of hibernation...' and she is screaming as he walks out the door, he smiles and laughs, he needed to hear her scream as it does nothing to change him at all, in coma she is silent the small ones took care of her voice, they stood in the garden to watch the snow fall over her, they take care, they take pride

and the guilty have no past as the ant hills of dawn lost their way thru the city, glase slips and slides in hired cars, even if she reached inside of the things that would be the cause of such violence, there is nothing left in the interim, and he screams that he is defected, disconnect, re:work, the deal is done, there is no going back, be he is alive for the time, and she lays in the garden with the fate of the small ones to gather and form into something the cassette cannot record

as the man meets the mold of what he could have been, he still hears her scream and this changes nothing in the catatonic aftermath, she will powder her lips no more, the snow falls and collects around her, if she emerges she will have the satin of ice blue eyes, ohh the catatonic love doll, he will never visit in the garden she is left to her own as the small ones take care and control, the auto-defect as the this man crosses a shape that take its toll

the needle is ready a vein to be cut, mark these words, stalk the ground when coma meets reality, mark the time, this is not death that circles the asphalt world, just another wound, just another machine that enters in and stains the streets

the purpose to save grace, the plug is pulled she is still screaming and he smiles as the pins recover is sense of sense

this is what you have said, 'xxxxxxxxxxxx' and this is what i heard 'xxxxxxxx' the meaning remains the same, a sorrid detail to the insight of a mind, the cassette is placed on record, the waves of noise fall out and back again, a child in the hands, white face, pale intentions, he only wanted to love, he only wanted to see the sun, the wires misplaced the feeling, the skin grapht is complete and a tract marks where the needle enters the vein, he said ' i am so sorry little girl, sorry little girl, i am not the man you think i am, i am not the man you made me out to be'

when emotions rise high on this afternoon drunk, evil is afoot with the silence of mouths that close, a heart to burn and a heart to open up the night, so sorry little girl, and when she walks out the door, closing all lines of communatcation he is left when the vaginal taste on his lips and the pictures on his hard-drive that makes his exo-sketal semen a fat sample for a seed, turn all the tiny holes a heart that was stolen, he is crying out for justice but revenge is on his mind when swallowing seeds, the aftermath made him feel real

she is taking it in, holding it down, watching from the front, burn it down, she wants to tear it down and with mental collaspe the sexual formation reverb in the mind, kinder than the kind, a mild taste to produce life, waiting for the gunman, the sniper is in sight as her legs are spread open wide taking fingers in the midst of a lust filled dream, but the images on the hard-drive recoil and hold back the day of another age

he sits and holds to the ghost of each room the house he fears to enter, a bed he is scared to sleep in, as masturbation makes him feel alive again it is the needle and the vein, it is the alcohol and the drink, too many fags and the breathe is caught on the morning dawn, colour him, the first kiss of the first taste, he turns terminal when he looks at her, this is love in the rawest form, this is something that cannot be deined, and trying to fight to be human, he scream out silence to hold back the machines, he says 'just a little more time, just let me fight for a while longer, and then i will join you when i know this is over' the twins agree, and they vanish on the wings of a desperate plea to be human again

holding on holding tight, a body moves in a dried out notion that the world is perfect 'and daddy i, i have nothing left, my life is good my love a mess, and the girl of my dreams well...there never was one, to grip to the weakness the heal calls me home...'

....I say ‘maybe he was a fag…’ and our Ivy League student has a moment of insight. Thinking that this was my way out and that she would get up and run crying to the bathroom to call him and confront the bastard. This she says has never occurred to her, as if I had just told her the earth was round. Realizing too late how big of a mistake this was, I was caught again, for now she was going into detail about all the little things that he did. About how well he groomed, and the skin toners that he used, the stores he shopped in, how well his apartment was decorated. And this went on and on and on. Into two rounds of wine, I had had all I could take. All the valium in the world could not help me through this one and my only way out was Cynthia and she was flirting with a guy that one of our friends had brought out tonight. That was a lost cause, and I knew she would not be sleeping alone tonight.

With renewed vigor I was searching for a distracting. But it found me instead. In shape of a well dressed man in his mid thirties, I found myself sinking into a place that I thought I would never go again. That level of lust and affection when you meet someone new. That place where there is a change in the air currents and everything seems different. When the wonder of what lies beneath the clothes and what is going on when the synapse fires brings my blood to a boiling point. All music stopped, all sound of laughter and a hundred voices drown out in that rush of silence as he approached me with a smile, in slow motion he walks past a table and the edge of his suit jacket lifts up as he pulls on a cigarette. In Valium vision he has me in sight and I see a glittering in his eyes.

The woman at my side is pulling at me, she is telling me about the jewelry below her skirt and that if I wanted to see it she would show me, but I was not even looking at her. I was lost in a tunnel, caught in the web. Then time was restored as he was at the table, looking at me he asked for a light. His cigarette still burning, I toss him mine and he waits gesturing for me to pull out a smoke. Indulging in this intercourse we where in I allowed him to light me up.

Fire.

Thin trails of smoke.

The exhale.

...the heart-rate clocks and counts to 10, the smell of new skin as the finger become a fist, they are moving together, it is what they want, the first colour the first kiss, a tear is born under stucco ceiling the fan turns counter clockwise, the lights flicker and fade, in dream sequence fashion, as bare chest rubs smooth legs
the curtains are moving from the open window,
this is the nightmare of a childs adult dream, the floor turns chlorine when the bird at the right caws left, she is waxing to prefection, she is holding on
'it helps with the lights off' he said as blue shadows climb along the wall, the glow from the staic fill television
of the videodrome and questions, they remain slient until she comes
water walk quietly as they stay in the danse, sweat forms an upper lip, wet tongue to wipe it off
they are falling in love...

his heel is his weakness, and she stole the fire, and together it is harder for them to breathe, and when they go down, they fall together
under ash and stone the city sleeps in silence with neon lights and traffic signs for the solitary taxi passing in the slippery streets of snow
he searched for her under the marquee, and red carpet pulled out, lap-dansed lapels fixed and so sleek, he walked up to the meazzanine floor
and in her glowing dress she crept out the back door, the chase begins as emotion meet reality
heart for heart the city is a whore tonight, they wax and wane in the artificial light of nocturnal life
he stood firm as he saw her, licking lips to remove the emptiness in his gunmetal pants, a body burns for the desire felt
a second to be, a moment to feel, the touch of skin on skin
the queen is running, a king is chasing
recording the present feeling, the last bits and parts of a forecast to the end

park the car by the side of the road,the tised of time are smothering him as he is trying to erase the emotion of love but this feeling well never go away and on the book he will one day write, a line for line he is trying to forget, the children he will never have, the family tree hacked into decline, the sister he pushed away and everything looks so perfect tonight as the stars shine down on the plate glase window, headlights burn thru the back of the wind-screen, and he knows it is better off this way, when moderation meet masturbation he thinks of her sitting in a cell of a room, the walls cracked with old paint, a bloodstain on the virgin bed that he set on fire before driving to the over pass, the mother and father try to contact, the telephone wires did not receive, the car are passing in cold blood, a happy family, a solitary truck, another line her face is disappearing, one more line and the name is out of focus, his queen placed him in check, his queen left him to die as she ran off with the king, a knight so valued, a love so denied, and he is calling for the car crash to validate why he is here, his nose stained red, he wished he could wipe the stains off his teeth, the gun by his side is of no use, love bred suicide but he has so much yet to do, so much yet to say, the opening of doors and the walk up the hill, in the night the asphalt is cold, he whispers his fear and watches as the lights of the city spark and flame in the search lights of helicopters, and now he knows they found the wedding party, they found the bullets and with a forced smile he watches his family tree fall to the flames

we took a walk that first night that we met, in the park so silent and hotter than hell, in childrens dens of harboured malice, we told our life stories, i was unaffected by the horrors of the world at large and you just sympathized with the weaker ones and i whispered in your ear ' it will only get harder...'

and laughing and drinking and joking, she said she was happy, and drinking and joking and laughing i said i was fine

with helden hearts we made our way into the city, but they drove the wedge between us, they broke us apart, as this was no odrinary love, no odrinary heart-break, laced with double suicide i drank myself into a place that you could never go, as the bed took another virgin, i never wanted it to be this way, i never wanted my heart taken, i wanted to break yours so that i could give you mine, as i am drinking this pain from another love that walked away

understanding is a number on the locker of the prom queen, it never made sense, it never told why,

but the ships are coming to take you away and now i know i cannot fix what was damaged, fix what i thought i could fight for, a velevt sun that rises in the middle of winter, the chill of death in the infants hand, i was on top and i saw you cry, i could not help myself because i cared too much, the feelings were clear but the synaspe fired wrong, fired left and never right, and war is it at the front door, the ships want to call you up, and when the sails set, my heart of hearts will go over seas into forgien lands into human eyes, i cannot repress a shutter of what will be, the stale dreams of car bombs and missing limbs

fight on, march to the front this cannot be anything other than it was, the aftertaste of sexual flavour that you never wanted to happen, i was just the pawn in the game, the expirement ot figure out why you were here, and so i ask until the ships come home, disconnect me, i can be reworked, and spend the last night with me

...this feeling never dared to be but it screams from time to time, glase full, hand hot she is waxing to the sexual front and the emptiness in his 501's never felt so alive
in the midst of teenage heat and inter-sexual nervousness, they stood in the basement, with the electronic hum of the washing machine
'to feel, to think, to see, to hear, to have a reason for this end, to dream to know love'
the virus conspires against them when she touches his thigh to hold to the moment, to see the right way
and she chooses with prom queen presicion
he said 'try to stay calm, it only hurts for a minute'
and now she is not the girl of your dreams
she has changed into something you will never have...

hold my arms as the blood collets, when fist meets stomach, i brace myself for the impact, they found a way to break into my mind, the rehired scab becomes the mark, made so well, so soft, i can see my breath in the air as i suck in there is contact, and you needed to do this as i spit blood in your face, the feet made swift the kick to the solor-plexis
and the stars look so bright tonight as the pavement meets my face
is this what you wanted, did you get what you came for?
in suit and tie i cough up red, i stain my teeth, i stain my hands
so look left and drive off, you had a good night tonight, you did a deed well done
i used to feel, i used to feel something and even as gentle hand tries to make up for the violence, i push away, i feel nothing at all
sitting in the car my mouth stained a crimson colour, i watch the sky as everything look so perfect tonight

a strange day, in so many lonley ways, i see this creature before me, i wonder if he knows who i am, in the walls that suround me a noise that is so loud in my head, this strange day, i feel far from myself already, but these people look down on me, do they like what they see? in the interim, i wonder if this person sees what i see, if they feel what i can feel, when the sprial becomes a circle will you be there holdings the rope, will you hold the chain that is close at hand, my body is the grenade, my heart the bomb and in the nuclear night will you hold me when this is all over, as people form two heads and have that poison, well i have it now, as i plotted to bring down the party i was sick in mind and body, thru the whipping winds the phones cut, bitting, scaring, i want to remember the flight to the north when all i need is you here with me now, tell me you xxx me, tell me you xxxx, and tell me you think of me when the shadows fall into white rooms, say these things and i know that i will be alright, but no reason was ever given

...through the cable wires, i have to watch your face, and in the telephonic message i can here your voice, but i wish you were here with me now
warm like the dog around your feet, my stomach burns and i am drunking to chase the dreams away, my eyes red and sollen, another glase, another name
how i wish you were here with me now, but i am not giving up on you, there is now way out, no way now...

line for line, we talked...
i did this for you
line for line we laughed...
i wanted to forget
line for line i needed something more...
i felt better and better
as life gets bitter, the road we walk will be a long and hard, the path we chose will be though
i will walk the line to the end, until you say that you are through
but this i cannot give up when shadows fall and motions stop, a feeling that wells inside when i come to, where will you be'i hold this in i hold this tight i want to feel the skin on skin
emotions deep emotions wide, i want to move on this my side
i see this moving out, and i want to follow, to keep going
and line for line
i feel far from myself already

turning in the pillows, my bed feels larger than when i was small, lost in shattered hope, lost in all the old pillows, miss the smell of you on the sheets, miss the out-line of your back, miss you breathing down my neck
and now i become insecure, and i ring you on the phone, to get the answering machine, but this human touch is what i really need, i gaze in the mirror, and i am lost in memory, i recall the eyes, but the face has seen so many failures
and i try your phone again, this distance is not what i need
as i think that they are all out to get me, once again this moment is torn by the winds as the shadows of seagulls cross my sweating brow
on the beach of your arrival i think i see a sign
the ships laced in gold, the colours lead me on, the docks are covered in barnacles, the sand is littered with used condoms and cigarette butts
the party of your life never seemed so empty as i walk down the sands traced with the paths of one night lovers
and i ask 'please do not say that there is nothing between us'
as i know pressure pauses a release and i can never have what i wanted
my image is not myself, the mirror cast a reflection that scars the heart and marrs the surface of what i am able to feel

/and she said today 'if you gave me the chance i can make you feel again, but i know your gentle persuasion'
my face red, my face flushed, i turned away
and julien where are you now when i need the guidence
where are you when i am at the bottom
when i am living the dream that i spoke of/

but when this bed is sour and i cannot sleep, i try your phone again, message not received, message recorded, voice taken
and then no contact, i feel the paranoria set in as i think that someone has it in for me, what a state i am in with my self-pity
i play the victim, if only i could be the star player, the winner of the game
but they hide in corners of the dirty streets where i never wanted you to venture
the music is loud and the adultery is ripe when, with no accord i call out in the silence to nothing and to no one
here is the victim party of one, as i watch this all fall way
i never would have trusted, i never would have lived and loved if i had to be born again
but the no was never a word i spoke with you, set the bullets to fire, random, at will, as i cry that i want it to be the two of us
i see sparks as my vision starts to cloud and my stomach i want to rip out, this nervousness, this anxiety, i need you to come back now
as i am calling card for card and the queen is almost at the mark
the squares are black and white, i move to red

'...and everything is going to be just awful, when you come round, and all the colours are going to rise to meet you, when you come round, these are lonesome tears that i cannot cry anymore, the shadows fall...'

...and so i need you to hold me closer until this excutcion is over, just give me the lips to the neck, to know that you feel the same way
i say this as i kneel before her beneth this frozen sky, my skin touches her skin, i loose my sense of pride, and it is not easy for us, to hold on to each other, it is not easy to see the same point of view
and i swallow because i hope for the life i take to be the one i love
so tower over me as i am a fly, trapped in this paper, the worm that is caught on the concrete in the morning sun, to dry out and die
but split us up we become two, eight hearts with one mind, i wish i knew where yours was
the summer fades and there seems to be no plans for us, as the delay in itme we share comes to pass, i am sorry i apoligize, may i spend the afternoon between your thighs? how is that for pre-cumed eyes
a lip forms in the shape of the movie, in the shape of a show, when cats run round the door step we shut them out, as my tear strip fills up and i am denied the access of feeling human, the door was shut, i locked her out, the rope rides the sun, i will take it to the dawn, with the knowing of ever fading
i can never say this to you, but it will not end on my accord, it will not end for my words
and now like in a card-stock paper invite i make the request too little too late and the age goes between us as i see this happening again, with the irish and the kennedy, with the absense of seeing and the lack of clothe, a feeling so raw with no feedback, no love
and i wish at this point that if nothing we had somthing, we have europe, we have france
we have the buildings, we have the trains and taxis
to run, and run i could if you pressed me on
i shout and scream, i yell and howl but nothing will show you what i see when i see
the card i call a king, they wondered how, the card called a spade they sat back and watched
and the train is running, the sights too see, and i want you to be here with me,
the smell of your skin, the harpy tonuge
and through the symbol, we find a place that we cannot share
over ground the space opens wide
i see this reflection in my eyes

the phone does not ring, and water drips in the metal sink, the sound of lonliness turned up to 10
the car is waiting, in the fummed out garage, they will find my body laying in the passenger seat, head tilted back just enough to see a profile with my mouth slack and wide
and even as i sit and look at these pictures on my hard drive, my chest begins to ache, fucking with this slip of a man, i carve his name into my arm
as my reality starts to slide down from my cerebellum
the tightening in my chest is all i can feel
and the salt-strip is overflowing and i cannot place one single stone in a certain square
and you said 'queen takes pawn, another no one gone'
and i move from white to black, from black to white, running so fast the undertow sweeps the trash clean from off the chlorine floor, a nightmare of you when tradgey jumped into the pool
and no i have never tried it that way, and no this sound comes from a whisper to a scream
and daddy you were right, daddy you never lied, i am the dunce in the conned cap
my eyes to the floor, this is what i get from being that way
and daddy, i, but no wait, did you ever see it this way, take the plan and spin it side ways, daddy my life is ruined , my love never there
i am the mime that you ignored, in silence
i can hear the car running, i can see the stars as the pilot light blinks out
and i think to myself that the sun is shinning, it could be a wonderful day
and the plan was spoiled when the door unlocked
clarity returns in the wake of this alcoholic afternoon